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It's so funny, being me....stuck in this cycle. This cycle of pain, apathy, and euphoria. I become depressive for a few months or weeks, sometimes only a few days, it gets so bad that I plan out my death. But then I'll get one or two days where I'll believe that everything is finally okay and everything is finally starting to look up. That's the worst part, because I can never TRULY feel that happiness, because no matter what I do, it just slips away. Over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over... I'm starting to lose myself. I don't understand what the point is anymore. I never really did. 'BUT THERE'S PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU!' How selfish! Stop putting OTHER PEOPLE'S PLASTIC FEELINGS OVER MY VERY REAL ONES. I'm fucking DYING and all you care about is how it'll make others feel! Newsflash, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT HOW OTHERS FEEL! Why do you think I used to step on kids feet and beat them up as a kid? Why do you think I threaten people all the time? GOD, I HATE PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY'RE SOOOOO SPECIAL BECAUSE THEY WATCHED A FEW VIDEOS ON PSYCHOLOGY SO THEY THINK THEY CAN DIAGNOSE AND TREAT YOU NOW FOR SERIOUS MENTAL ILLNESSES. These same people are the ones who act freaked out when you display ACTUAL traits of a mental disorder, and not just the normal ones (anxiety, depression). YES I wanna kill people, HOW ABOUT THAT, [REDACTED]? I'm gonna fucking blow your head of with a goddamn SHOTGUN. GOD I'M SO PISSED OFF. I'll update later. I'm gonna go research.......................things. ITS 11:51 PM NOW.I've spent the entire day doing nothing but sitting in my room sobbing, fantasizing about murderers, and cutting myself to the point of almost passing out. my biggest regret of today was not chugging my way through my dad's bottle of vodka so i could just pass out and hopefully die of alchohol poisoning. I WANT TO DIE SO FUCKING BADLY. its so funny because now that i'm gonna start college in two months, my life suddenly has a 'purpose'. GOING TO SCHOOL FOR A DEADEND JOB I DONT EVEN FUCKING WANT ISN'T A PURPOSE, IT'S A PRISON. I'm alone in my basement. My dad moved his gun cabinet into the basement. No longer will my only option be to swing from the cieling, or slice myself wide, wide open (...delicious). AHHAHA IM SO EXCITED ! ! I want nothing more in this world than to die. I still have people I love, ambitions, a will to keep going, friends, hobbies, ideals, and everything a human should have. BUT IM NOT ONE OF YOU. And i don't mean it in the fucking retarded way all these other people mean it. NOBODY will truly EVER understand how I feel. Not even you reading this, thinking you get it. GET THIS RIGHT OR GET THIS BULLET: DO I FUCKING HATE YOU? YES NO IF YOU SAID NO: I'M GOING TO LEAN YOUR HEAD BACK SO I CAN FIT MY SHOTGUN DOWN YOUR THROAT. CHOKE ON IT BITCH! IF YOU SAID YES: YOU THINK YOU'RE SO SPECIAL, DON'T YOU? SO SELF AWARE. I WOULD APPLAUD YOU, IF YOU DIDN'T MAKE ME SICK. YOU JUST DON'T GET IT. YOU NEVER WILL. NOW GET ON YOUR KNEES AND BEG FOR YOUR 'GOD' TO SAVE YOU. DIVINE INTERVENTION HOLDS NO CHANCE AGAINST WHAT I GOT POINTED BETWEEN YOUR EYES. BOOM, 'DIFFERENT' IN LIFE, BUT JUST THE SAME AS EVERYONE ELSE IN DEATH. just like me.
Is it a shame? A shame that the person I've cried the most over in my life is Eric fucking Harris? What if my mom finds out? My grandma? Every day I give less and less of a shit. Their reactions are temporary. Life is temporary. I want to stab myself in the arms. I've cut myself so much these last few days that my skin is starting to get colder and colder... No one. NO ONE will ever understand the pain, the true sorrow I feel right now. Having the only ones in the universe who have ever understood you so far out of reach..... knowing that even if you die, you'll never see them.......no matter what you do. I love them so much, and they'll never know. They don't exist anymore. I'm so fucking sad. All I want is to die. I don't want to go to therapy, because I'm so afraid of finding a will to live. I am afraid of living a long, prosperous life, because then when I die, I know I'll have something to lose. I want to die so fucking bad. I don't want anyone to help me get out of this. Every day I live is just another day worse than death. The only relief I have in life is the fact that each passing day brings me closer to ending it. Why did I have to be the one born? Why couldn't it have been some other mind? Someone who isn't me? Every single fucking day I look at pictures of them.............................they make me feel good in this hell I am in. Every time I see the videos of them, I smile. I feel warm inside. I wish..... I wish I was there. My biggest wish I could ever ask for, would be to go there...... I am the most pathetic human on the planet. If anyone wants to get away with a murder, feel free to contact me, so you can kill me and assist in my suicide.
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