HELL!!!
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Hello internet. I've decided to make a web page because...well because I can. Maybe if I die people will look back at this page... I wonder if it'll be in horror, or in sorrow? As of recently...the first is starting to seem all the more likely. I really hope the people I know in real life don't find this, because all of them are too weakminded to handle anything more agressive than a leaf blowing in the wind. I've been drinking a lot lately. Actually, today I got so drunk that I could barely make it out of my closet. I also burned a bunch of things though, so maybe the smoke messed with my mind too... I still feel pretty drunk and retarded... Today I actually tried to interact with people on the internet. It went well, I'd say. I can't say the same about real life though. People still hate me as much as they did in highschool. Honestly, my biggest HS regret was not 'passing my judgement onto them' when I was still at that ripe, beautiful age. I'm still only 18, but I already feel like a walking corpse. I fucking hate every little thing about existing, so I can understand why nobody likes me.
Actually, today I got a new coat. It looks cool and goes down to just above my ankles (I'm very short... unfortunately only 5ft 2in... I wish I could be more tall and intimidating...), but the only problem is that it smells like oil... well, that'd be a problem if I didn't like the smell of oil so much. It smells nice...but deadly. Like car exgsaust. Anyway, I'm tired, drunk, and off all my medication. See you next time, unless I die...
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I start work soon...like REALLY soon. Like...in 30 minutes soon... but I don't want to go. I just want to sit here... Now it's 8:08 pm, and for once im not drunk. My arms are tired cuz I've just been jerking it and cutting myself for a few hours now. I'm so fucking pathetic. My day is just wake up, work, come home, eat one snack, get drunk, and sleep, and repeat. what a fucking useless, pathetic existance. I wish my past suicide attempts were successful, because then I wouldn't have to be like this now. I only have a few months until college...which I still don't want to do by the way. I was FORCED into college. and for fucking MAKEUP? What a fucking faggot i am for choosing THAT. I could've at least picked something cool like forensics or something. I fuckig love crime scenes and murder. Don't tell anybody, but i think i have a blood fetish or sadomasichism or someshit. idk i dont like to put it in a box but idk... im a degenerate. truly the scum of the earth. i haven't showered in weeks, and i cycle from one dirty pair of clothes to the next every few days... no wonder nobody loves me. i had a boyfriend once, about a year ago, but he only liked me for my looks...back when i was still classified as a 'human'...whatever that's supposed to mean. the only other men who ever said he loved me were both fucking pedophiles. i fucking hate them i want to round all three of these 'people' up and stick a shotgun down their throats. i'm so angry. men on the internet act like they're the only ones who have to deal with being awkward, disgusting virgins. YOU DONT GET IT. im a blonde, white, skinny, average looking woman and STILL NOBODY LOVES ME. It's because i'm a fucking menace to society! I'M ON FUCKING WATCHLISTS, THAT'S WHY. nobody gets it. the only two people who i feel truly understood me are fucking DEAD. I get so obsessed, almost limerant over people. I know it drives them away. I wish somebody loved me. I wish I wasn't a fucking dissapointment. I wish I had a gun. I wish I was tall. I wish I wasn't born to be a killer. I wish I wasn't like this. I wish my medication worked. I wish I could be in reality. I wish the world was real. everything i see...every flower, every tree, every person, every screen, every moment...is so far away. I feel like i'm viewing the world as if i'm watching a television show, or playing an FPS game. Nothing is real. I know that when i die i won't be greeted with anything, because 'i' will no longer exist. i never did. all we feel in this consciousness is juat a bunch of neural stimuli. existence is our punishment for not embracing death with open arms. i'm gonna fucking kill myself soon, hell maybe even take a few of you with me.
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I'm tired. I'm so, so dizzy and tired. I cut myself so much today that I had to leave work because I was about to faint from blood loss. One of the medications I'm on is a stimulant, so I'm considering overdosing on them so my heart beats so fast it blows up and i die. I've been eating nothing but a few goldfish crackers or a granola bar these last few days...i can't even bring myeslf to get up and eat. i haven't showered in weeks...my room is a mess...i keep leaving work early... god damn it i thought i was getting better. a month ago i was doing better. why did this happen? why does this always happen? I can't even bring myself to articulate my real thoughts on this web page, as I don't think I have the mental capacity for that anymore. I'm a fucking vegetable. :( i want to kill myself right now, but I gotta wait, just in case they release the basement tapes in 2026/7 like they rumored... i'm listening to something i can never have by nine inch nails right now. i think that's how i feel about eric and dylan. it sounds weird, but i somehow find solace in everything they were. their thoughts, their motives...their actions... god damn it. today i was cutting myself in the bathroom at my job, and these two prissy bitches walked in and started talking about how weird i was without knowing i was there. it didn't even make me mad i just wanted them to shut the fuck up so i could keep slitting in peace. my head is pounding. everything is spinning and colorful...hopefully i die of blood loss when i inevitably pass out. i can feel it... yes... :) its 6:27 pm now. you ever just embrace your grossness...? well thats what im doing right now... ao3 is a weird place. im reading stuff on there right now not because i enjoy it... no, for once i am laughing at others' pathetic nature now it's 9:12 pm. i finally ate an actual meal for the first time in a few days. i'm kind of sad right now because my mom only wants to buy groceries online, so i don't have an excuse to go to the store and stalk this boy i think is cute there. he had long brown hair and is a gross scrawny little fuck but in the best way. actually that reminds me, apparently i'm not the only one into drinking my own blood! it's called autovampirism, and i just found out that it's an actual thing some ppl are just into so phew im not a maniac... well in that aspect at least. i love the taste of blood. for some reason i think about someone licking my open wounds and i get all these lovely feelings and stuff. i actually started to put all the blood i let out in a little jar... there's about half an inch right now, so yippee! i wish i wasn't so afraid of intimacy. like, i want to experience love like other people do, but i know everyone just goes away in the end so it doesn't matter. i'm so high, i'm so low... i'm so fucking done with people. i need my alchohol. i'm at my mom's house, so she doesn't have anything for me to drink... its ANNOYING. i think i'm starting to have withdrawl symptoms, because i've just been so depressed without my drinks. fuck i think im an alchoholic. anyway im afraid of the police finding this and actually thinking i want to hurt people...................i .............. ... . don't. just myself. despite my hatred for most of humanity, i feel that for me to take it away would be a waste, and quite pointless in fact. we're all destined for the climactic vacancy of the 'afterlife'. is the choice really yours? hmm...no need for me to put that in my hands! i'm just the retard incel you met once and dreamt about killing later on! this confession of mine... is morbid, and quite frankly disgusting. I get uneasy just thinking about this...but i can't help my inner workings. i wish i was killed by eric or dylan in the massacre. the hectic, frantic, sporatic nature of it all, climaxing on a gunshot from the harbringers of death themselves... i think it would be wonderful. i explode just thinking abou it. though, i believe i would not be mourned, as i am quite insufferable. if a person kills another, but the deceased is damned to hell and back, is there really any mourning to be done? i don't know. i'm tired and bloody. i'm gonna go jerk off and go through the pill cabinet and throw up. bye.
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Honestly, as of right now, I feel content. Not happy, not unhappy, not anything. I've had my ups and downs over these last few days...my smiles whilst rollerblading, my blood stained skin... but I feel alright. I feel so content it scares me. Whenever I get out of a depressive episode, I immediately get stuck on my fear of death and latch onto that. I wish I could be happy without fearing death. I think it's because I know I have something to lose. There's someone I love a lot. Really, more than any words of any language could ever describe...but maybe the lack of words is what says it all. Now every time I reach for the blade, I can't shake the little light that's telling me to put it back down. It's strange. That's never happened before. I don't want him to find this, but if he ended up reading this by chance, it would make things a hell of a lot easier for me. When I say I love him, I know it can mean a million things. I mean it in all of them- yet at the same time none. What reason is there to bind our feelings to society's boxes? Love, in all it's shapes and forms is still the same feeling. Anyway---!!! i dont wanna go to work tomorrow. it's so god damn BORINGGGG!!! like it's gross, covered in bugs, loud, and ANNOYING. A-NOYNG!!!! i listen to murder podcasts to pass the time now.... i can feel my head starting to hurt. goodnight.
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